Dependent

She's going back. Physically, she doesn't live there but mentally, she cannot leave him.

I know I haven't brought my Mom up for a little while because I just wasn't sure what to say. She will be 49 next month and she's living with my Grandma. She moved out of the house she'd set up with her boyfriend. Well, I can't say she moved out. More like she was kicked out but she packed up and put her material possessions into a mini storage before said boyfriend returned home from a vacation. Sick of playing house so soon?

She's looking really skinny. I hear tell that she's lost 8 lbs. which for her already petite frame certainly worries me. She looks tired and old and well, sad. I see genuine hurt in her eyes but for the last couple years I failed to look at her too closely. Afraid to burst into a big ball of tears I suppose, seeing someone I once thought a content soul creating such an uproar of her life and managing to barely get by. I refused to accept that she really loved this other man, but I see it clearly now- when she's without him. I know that feeling all too well but my story has a happier ending.

It's hard to depend on someone when they are lost. Sadly, I think she has a lot of soul-searching to do before I will be able to rely on her as the rock that was once my Mother. Her relationship with the other man has been on and off, vaguely reminding me of my junior high years when as emerging teenagers we played silly love games with eachother, fighting for eachother's hearts before we even really knew what true love was. Some were consistent in seeking out detrimental relationships, and by that I mean a relationship with someone where we knew the other person would hurt us again and again and again but hell, the good times were really good, right? My guess is probably not so much. We learn to shield ourselves from the hurt. Some move on. On again, off again really can't last forever because it hurts too damn bad.

Their relationship is at standstill right now. Mom clearly is affected by the loss of the relationship as it was, but she has some things to work out on her own. If she is able to do those things before giving in to the comfort of dependency then she stands a chance of getting back on her own two feet. If the other man is by her side through it, I may even have a shred of respect to spare for all he's put up with. She needs to realize that she comes first and I'm hoping my Grandma will help her remember this, then she needs to redefine the relationships in her life including, but not limited to, those with her children and grandchildren.

We're all going to be here to celebrate when it happens. I might even break out the cookie sheet.