This may not be what you want to read today

If you came here in search of a jovial blog entry, you might want to close out this page. Maybe you came seeking a laugh or holiday sentiment; there's still time to go. If you came seeking words of wisdom, today I have none. My cousin's wife is burying her Mother today. So my blog entry is about death and if it's a little gloomy or disheartening, you've been advised.

I'm trying to do myself a favor and make death a less-taboo subject. I want to be comfortable with the thought of leaving this earth when it's my time to go. That those around me face the same fate. But Charlene's Mom wasn't ready- her body had expired but her soul had so many things it didn't get to experience, like being a Grandma. Her body literally gave out on her but I can remember still so vividly the day she danced a tribal dance dedicated to Charlene at her wedding reception. Such a display of love and devotion.

Today, I sit here instead of attending Charlene's Mom's funeral. I can't imagine what she must be going through at this point. We are almost the same age, Charlene and I. Yet I feel somewhat guilty sitting here while she bids her Mom's body a final adieu. You may be wondering why I'm not attending. My heart tells me it would be good for me to go and support my cousin Joe, and Charlene. But Jason is out hunting today and while I've been told it's ok to bring the kids along, I am not ready to expose them to death and grieving. I did have people offer to baby-sit for me, family members who are going to the funeral. I want them to attend. They need to. My Aunt offered to help me watch the kids while there to "lighten up the mood," but I feel that these people want a distraction and that would not allow for proper (nor respectful!) grieving to take place. I have made the personal decision that my boys aren't ready. I just hope Charlene can understand.

It is inevitable this will hit closer to home for me. I will be a wreck when my Grandparents go to heaven! There will come a time that the boys ask me about death. When they inquire, I will give age-appropriate and honest answers. I'll explain that they have an Angel in heaven that watches over them...my Grandpa H. who passed away while I was pregnant with Tyler. He saw me pregnant but didn't live to meet Tyler. *Ok, now I'm crying! I have strong faith that he watches over and protects my sons. My husband's Grandparents are also in heaven. These are the people that dedicated their lives to raising him. I never got to meet them but if they were anything like he talks them up to be, I bet it would have been like having another Grandma and Grandpa. There will be peace in death because I'll get to reunite with loved ones who go before me, and I'll finally get to meet those I never got to meet here on earth. I have that to look forward to. Could I be so lucky in heaven, to have 3 sets of Grandparents?