Numb

God I love to write, in all its forms. Ok well maybe not dissertations or eulogies. But in this here and now, my blog is beneficial to getting feelings out into the open. I find myself writing one after another whether they will be "saved as draft" or published for all to see.

I have been talking about divorce lately, in my own life, though not in my relationship. Well I can't pretend any longer that part of the reason my parent's divorce has come to front again is because it has come up in my own relationship. Here is a little history on that relationship. We are highschool sweethearts. Married 7 years but have known eachother 10. We've been through his 4 years of USMC, long-distance relationship, 3 children, anger management, and even his other failed marriage (that's a whole nother story on its own.) This will have to be the shortened version as I am positive that no one wants the gruesome details, but be aware that I am trying my best to be circumspect!

While we are one of those couples known to threaten divorce, all times before this are moot because I could never go through with it. We actually made it to the lawyer's office once. The lawyer asked "So are you sure you want this?" At which I was prompted to look over at my husband- the man who I've seen cry very seldom, like at his graduation. His Grandparents raised him and passed away before they could see him graduate. I understood. He's tough. He doesn't show his emotions as freely as I. When I look over at him, there is a single tear running down his cheek and he looks back directly at me and says "No, I don't want this." Followed by a stream of more tears. Ok so it pulled my heartstrings. We left. No divorce that day. Whatever it was that pushed me to that point we overcame it.

Until this weekend on my Seattle trip. Hooray for fricking realizations, huh? I missed my boys, and not my husband. In fact, while there when I received cell calls, I found myself slightly annoyed when it showed ~Home~ on the caller ID. Relieved when he just wanted to let the boys say goodnight.

I knew that over time I have been slowly numbing myself to him. He can be a very angry and negative person. Sure not so bad lately but we've been together 7 years. Slowly, agonizingly, gratingly it has worn down on my usual jovial self. I have gained two new identities since I met him. Wife and Mother. But I've lost track of me. I know we are both allowed some change. I expected it even. But who could have possibly known that meant losing myself?

That brings me to today. Right now I feel that I make a good mother, but I haven't been a good wife. I'm surprised that all this time, he nor I noticed the slight depression I've been in. I've been doing the Mom things just to get by but my marriage has fallen to the wayside. So you might ask, why not go to the Doc and ask about depression? I am a minimalist when it comes to medicine and so I don't really want to add happy drugs here because I feel my own actions and thoughts should be figured out on my own first if at all possible. He has cried and kept us up until the wee hours of the morning tossing and turning but it's different for me this time. I am numb. I can't cry. I guess I've cried my share of tears of the 7 years we've been married. While I am staying right here until I figure out what step to take next, it all comes down to- I just want to feel again...