Mediocre

I'm sick of feeling mediocre. I am good at a few things yet not great at anything. I'm average looking. I have an average house and average income. All these years I have conformed and conformed and look where that's got me? People can't say "Shelly, yeah she's that wonderful flautist (or writer or chef or the list goes on.) I'm sick of fitting in and getting by. I've done things and neglected to do things just because the husband preferred it that way. That is so effing lame because I'm not being true to myself.

The husband, in his empathy-to-help-me-because-I-have-some-sort-of-mental-problem-now-that's-what-depression-is, actually sat down with me and a pen and notepad and wrote down "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" Which I was supposed to answer. First of all, I felt like he was trying to be some junior high counselor trying to help me decide which career path I want to take. He thinks I don't have any goals (which in part is TRUE) but what was pitiful was that the only thing I see myself doing in 10 years is being a Mom. An open-minded, caring and genuine Mom that my boys adore. That was it. That is the only thing I feel that will be a constant in my life. The next question was "Where do you WANT to see yourself in 10 years?" I honestly just want to be a better mother than I am now. That won't be too hard seeing as lately I've been pretty hard on myself and hardly leaving the house at times. I know the kids sense that I've been pretty down. In 10 years, I'm not working. I'm not out socializing. I'm not next to my husband. God it hurts to say that but I'm honest when I say I'm just a mother.

I'm just a mother. What an important job and that sounds like I'm downsizing the tasks involved. Trust me, in no way am I saying it's not a difficult job. It's the single most important job I will ever have. I want to raise men that respect others, are open-minded, who earn a fair living doing what they enjoy. Men who treat women with respect. But if I can't even respect myself and be true to myself, what are they learning? I shudder to think.

My husband said "I just want you to get out there and meet people and maybe make a little money." I think it's high time I pursue becoming a hooker. So much for mediocrity. There is something I could be good at! No morality police I don't need your comments- I'm just kidding! A little.

(To be continued...)

8/17/05 9:45 am

If you forced me to sit down right now and plan for the future I'd take what I do know- which is being a mother, and I'd channel my energy and effort into that. Here's a toast (chocolate milk this morning) to everything else just sort of falling into place. Hey, it could happen!